Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
