I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
