Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
