Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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