ugly people sure do ruin things
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
