My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
