im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
