my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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