everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
