Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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