seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
