so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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