your thong is hanging out like whoa
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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