Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
