he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
