I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
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Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
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And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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