I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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