so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
