I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
