The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
