My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
