well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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