She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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