I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
