I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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