Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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