just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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