I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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