you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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