No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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