TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
