I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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