Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
