After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
