No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
