im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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