I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!