I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.