my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.