All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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