just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
