All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
