So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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