When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
