im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
