Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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