Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
