I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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