They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
