Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
