Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
