you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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