So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
