just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
