so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
