I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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