wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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