Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
