I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
