We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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