Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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